Letting go

God, I used to love to swing. Sitting on the edge of that hot plastic seat and feeling the clunky metal chains always gave me butterflies. I'd pump my little legs and lean back into the wind and feel it sweep of my face. Filled to the brim with excitement, loving the feeling of blood rushing, wind whistling and the top bar creaking when I swung a little too high. My friends and I always used to dare each other to jump, to see who could land the farthest. And I'd be nervous, tingling with the fear of letting go. Then I'd gather some courage and jump, sometimes landing on my butt in the sand.

I know some kids who know some kids who have sprained or broken their wrists this way but for me it was always worth the risk. I still love to swing but don't make it to the playground very often these days. I got older. I'm continuing to get older. :) And I have developed a fear of falling. I get nightmares sometimes about walking up stairs, tripping and slamming my jaw into the concrete. I got pretty queasy the first few drives over the new bridge to Clearwater beach, after the pilings fell in twice during construction. I'm becoming more cautious. We don't jump back into action like we did when we were 5 or 6. Don't heal as quickly and (at least) my brain can't seem to adapt to absorbing new pain and letting it go.

This applies to a lot of areas in my life right now, especially as I continue working on "The Catharsis Project." Every time I feel I've conquered a mountain I get emotionally drained, sit a moment, then brush off my knees with elation. "I know I'm tired but I finished a piece!" However, when my eyes raise off the ground to see the path ahead of me all I can see is that I'm still a long ways off from my destination. The horizon is still littered with hills, peaks and valleys. I understand that each obstacle is going to teach a lesson and help me grow as a person and as an artist, but I still have trouble convincing myself it's worth the sweat and pain I put into it.

I see little kids skim boarding at the beach all summer. Maybe it's because they don't have as far to fall before they hit the ground but they are resilient little buggers. They'll hit a rogue wave then get up immediately to do it again. Today I'm focusing on channeling that little, fearless me. And part of that entails letting go of frustrations. I have scoured my apartment, done my meds, met with a very inspirational friend for lunch, and completely re-done my website slide shows. (Please check them out, I'm terribly excited!) :)

Today I'd like to remind myself (and you) that eventually we can get to where we want to be. Whatever you're struggling with today, I'd like to encourage you to take a deep breath. When you exhale let go of the frustration and give thanks for something positive happening in your life. It could be as small as your breath, or the extent of emotion that allows us to feel good and bad, a smile from a stranger, a determination to keep moving, friends, family, health, AMEN!